Day 132: Feeling Blue

Well, it's blue. I was expecting this new dye to have more green to it, and you can kind of see the highlights, but no, it's truly blue. (The green was also readily apparent on my skin; I dyed almost all of my left arm.) It certainly matches my glasses. This is the most blue I have ever had, and it's a real teal color which came off my skin with surprising ease. All and all, not too shabby.

It still hasn't really sunk in, that I have a week to pack up and leave. I've been sorting through my stuff slowly, and now have collected three bags of clothes and sundry to donate. I'm sure, as time passes, I will only have more. I really only live in this one room of my house, and it won't take me 7 days to pack, but even still.. I keep get moving. I need to be ready. I need to.. do something. Instead, I sleep, and sleep, and watch anime, and sleep. It feels so good, though I'm tortured by very unpleasant dreams, drowning with box jellyfish, accidentally killing baby seal-whales, realizing that this while time I was leading on my other English boyfriend, Chris, who wanted to propose to me after months of barely talking on a cruise, being attacked by zombies and ghosts while trying to solve murders, and being lost, in the rain, with people I couldn't trust clutching the bloodied clothes of someone I barely knew. And this was just last night.

Friday is my going away party, such as it is. I don't really care so much who is going and who is not, thought it makes me feel all slick and nervous and shakey inside to think of leaving Denver. I really do feel isolated and alone, and doing so much by myself.. I keep thinking, soon, soon I'll be with Carter, and my family, soon the latent and growing panic will seem like a dream, and so shortly after that, after probably eating too much, gaining more weight, and watching too many Jason movies too many times, I'll be in LA, I will be with Matt, we will be engaged, and I won't be alone, not for weeks and then.. and then.. And then I'll likely freak out about the visa, get it and spend a handful of slow, painful weeks with my family, and then we'll be together forever... Right?

I keep telling myself and other people things: how I feel, what I'm doing.. but I can't shake the fact that none of it is real. I want to sleep more. I want to wake up and have answers. I mean, it's not really an escape--sleeping on an issue does clear it up for me--but I can't help feel that my normal processes of sleep-figure-outing have been replaced by nasty little terrors, instead. Maybe I will sleep again tonight, and dream of something productive, and wake up with all the answers. God, God I hope so.