Day 110: Apprehensions

I have a problem. This problem is a compulsion, and it legitimately fills me with dread. Let me explain: I have a problem reading new bookies, watching new movies, starting new series, and just recently, listening to new music. I can never bring myself to start, and trying to makes me feel anxious and upset, hands shaking. A sense of dread comes over me. It's been getting worse.

I read Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas to Matt a few weeks ago. I had read it a few months before, where my comfort with the movie had made picking up the book an only slightly harrowing experience. In return, he is reading aloud Join Me, a tale of an Englishman who accidentally starts a cult. It sounded wonderful, funny, and.. and for the first five minutes, I couldn't stop whimpering. I was actually crying for fear of this new book. There was genuine dread in my chest. I don't understand it. Normally, any fears can be dispelled as soon as I watch or read with someone else. This was the first time it did not.

I love to read, and I love being read to. I love watching movies. I love new series. And yet.. and yet.. This fear grabs me, and I cannot. I am a nerd, but I am a very bad one. Ender's Game has been sitting on my shelf, a gift from over a year ago, and I can barely pick it up.

Sinful.

This has been coming out in other aspects of my life as well. I can read the same book over and over, a semi-autistic soothing, and I do need it sometimes. The feeling of comfort, of being with a friend... And now, with my plans with Matt in a state of exciting and actually really truly happening flux, I find myself needing everything repeated. Over and over. My distinctive (and my all counts, annoying) "Tell me a story" has turned into a Glasgowian "Tell me about the rabbits, again". It's incredibly comforting to hear the same happy stories over and over (just as it's comforting to know my boyfriend well enough to already hear his Of Mice and Men induced tears). I need it, though. I need it over and over.

It's weird. I'm all for new experiences, new food, trips to new places... It's something with media that I just can't get over.

I will point out a few notable exceptions. Horror movies do not fill me with apprehension, I can watch them constantly and alone. Comics do not make me nervous, and I find myself buying graphic novels with delight. Cartoons of any kind are accepted without qualms. Comedy shows I have heard of before, if not seen, are welcome. If I am traveling, I seem more open, maybe because I am going to be or have just finished being social. If someone is with me, the feelings (mostly) subside. And yet.. and yet..

I can't help feeling a bit fucked up.

On the plus side, I can't help but feel it's temporary, too. In this city with little to no support network, I do lots of things that fill me with fear, and am constantly challenging myself.. Mostly alone. I feel that when I am no longer alone, when I have friends and comfort, when I am with Matt.. I won't need to project my fear on nonsensical things to deal with the crippling worry of daily tasks. I can go back to worrying about real problems, like the zombie apocalypse.

Until then, baby steps. Starting a new blog, downloading new music, and being read to despite all my fears.