Waiting for my visa is a lot like waiting for my period. There's no reason for me to worry about their lateness, and every passing day makes it more likely that they will come. They were both expected to take about 20 business days, and both of them are notable enough to mention to Matt. Intellectually I know they are both going to be here soon, but in reality I am ANNOYED and IMPATIENT and UPSET.
Being hormonal probably isn't helping, either.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Day 128: Your pain is.. tl;dr
I was five minutes into my shower when I remembered my engagement ring was still on. In that second, I was more thankful for this tungsten band than I was for all the alexandrite in the world. There's something awesome about having a ring that will only get cleaner and shiner in water and soap. There is no tarnish. There is no rust. There is no reason to be gentle, no gems to get caught in my hair. It feels like a living thing. And that is.. nice.
My struggle with depression isn't exactly a secret. When I am in a stable place, with hope and forward movement, it doesn't even come up. It is a distant tiny fish below my feet, lost in the under sea eddies of security and growing. When I move to new places, when I am stagnant, when I am alone, and when I am not secure, it is the great white to my Amity Island, and I always need a bigger boat. Right now, in this stage of both INTENSE movement and planning for immigration while at the same time waiting for the FUCKING visa, I am going insane.
The good news is, I am less fragile now than ever. Things hurt a lot, maybe hurt more, but my eagerness to analyse is pressing. I am feeling the constant voice of my inner sociologist, reminding me of why people get defensive. It's nice to know that despite my aching heart, I will never get as low as I did before. Despite one of the most alienating events in my recent life happening tonight, I was able to push my hands over my eyes and get rid of the urge is to self harm. I know it doesn't sound great, but it is a huge victory. It's been months and months, and even the urges are less and less now. These are things I need to remember, as I got through the most stressful time of my life. These are victories.
One of the things I need to realize right now is that I am very stressed out, I am depressed and that will get worse until I get the visa, and I am off the pill this month. My pre-period sadnesses are always profound (and I never remember why I feel so low), but without the pill they are amplified ten times. All of these equals a grumpy, easily saddened mood, with a tendency to over-analyse why I feel like shit. Sometimes there are unresolved issues. Sometimes the people I love disappoint me. And sometimes I just need to fucking bleed so I can get over this.
I am in one of the most intense phases of self-doubt of my life right now. Not only am I doubting important but expected things, like moving and marriage, but I am doubting very basic things about myself, like if I am actually worth hanging out with, worth being friends with. I have felt, for the first time in a long time, the need to disappear for the sake of people in my life. I know I am not pleasant to be around like this. I am happier when I am away from home, but since I feel more relaxed, I cry more too. I don't have to hold it together, so I don't. I am also comforted by the fact that periods of self-doubt also beget periods of self-affirmation, my self-awareness gets a level up. It feels less convincing now that I write it out. My most recent pictures have showed a girl disturbingly larger than one I was expecting. My eyes look darker in the mirror. I am already finding it hard to fall back to sleep when I wake up, and five hours seems to do where I used to want ten. Signs of a more intense stage of depression. It is a bad combination with the self doubt, I tell you. I am feeling like no place feels like home. I need to remember that this will pass, that I will bleed and feel better. I will feel worth loving and I will remember why I have friends. I will have the knowledge of crippling second guessing without the fear. I will feel better.
Until then, I will do the things that make me happy, do the things that hastily scribbled list in red pen told me to do three years ago over my bed that first time in England. I will write people back, listen to music, talk to friends. I will remember the words of Kahlil Gibran, that always make me feel better.
Your pain is the breaking of the shell
that encloses your understanding.
Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its
heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.
And could you keep your heart in wonder
at the daily miracles of your life, your pain
would not seem less wondrous than your joy;
And you would accept the seasons of your
heart, even as you have always accepted
the seasons that pass over your fields.
And you would watch with serenity
through the winters of your grief.
Much of your pain is self-chosen.
It is the bitter potion by which the
physician within you heals your sick self.
Therefore trust the physician, and drink
his remedy in silence and tranquillity.
This is only an excerpt. The longer version has a bit about God/Allah/Etc, but it doesn't comfort me half so much as this.
My struggle with depression isn't exactly a secret. When I am in a stable place, with hope and forward movement, it doesn't even come up. It is a distant tiny fish below my feet, lost in the under sea eddies of security and growing. When I move to new places, when I am stagnant, when I am alone, and when I am not secure, it is the great white to my Amity Island, and I always need a bigger boat. Right now, in this stage of both INTENSE movement and planning for immigration while at the same time waiting for the FUCKING visa, I am going insane.
The good news is, I am less fragile now than ever. Things hurt a lot, maybe hurt more, but my eagerness to analyse is pressing. I am feeling the constant voice of my inner sociologist, reminding me of why people get defensive. It's nice to know that despite my aching heart, I will never get as low as I did before. Despite one of the most alienating events in my recent life happening tonight, I was able to push my hands over my eyes and get rid of the urge is to self harm. I know it doesn't sound great, but it is a huge victory. It's been months and months, and even the urges are less and less now. These are things I need to remember, as I got through the most stressful time of my life. These are victories.
One of the things I need to realize right now is that I am very stressed out, I am depressed and that will get worse until I get the visa, and I am off the pill this month. My pre-period sadnesses are always profound (and I never remember why I feel so low), but without the pill they are amplified ten times. All of these equals a grumpy, easily saddened mood, with a tendency to over-analyse why I feel like shit. Sometimes there are unresolved issues. Sometimes the people I love disappoint me. And sometimes I just need to fucking bleed so I can get over this.
I am in one of the most intense phases of self-doubt of my life right now. Not only am I doubting important but expected things, like moving and marriage, but I am doubting very basic things about myself, like if I am actually worth hanging out with, worth being friends with. I have felt, for the first time in a long time, the need to disappear for the sake of people in my life. I know I am not pleasant to be around like this. I am happier when I am away from home, but since I feel more relaxed, I cry more too. I don't have to hold it together, so I don't. I am also comforted by the fact that periods of self-doubt also beget periods of self-affirmation, my self-awareness gets a level up. It feels less convincing now that I write it out. My most recent pictures have showed a girl disturbingly larger than one I was expecting. My eyes look darker in the mirror. I am already finding it hard to fall back to sleep when I wake up, and five hours seems to do where I used to want ten. Signs of a more intense stage of depression. It is a bad combination with the self doubt, I tell you. I am feeling like no place feels like home. I need to remember that this will pass, that I will bleed and feel better. I will feel worth loving and I will remember why I have friends. I will have the knowledge of crippling second guessing without the fear. I will feel better.
Until then, I will do the things that make me happy, do the things that hastily scribbled list in red pen told me to do three years ago over my bed that first time in England. I will write people back, listen to music, talk to friends. I will remember the words of Kahlil Gibran, that always make me feel better.
Your pain is the breaking of the shell
that encloses your understanding.
Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its
heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.
And could you keep your heart in wonder
at the daily miracles of your life, your pain
would not seem less wondrous than your joy;
And you would accept the seasons of your
heart, even as you have always accepted
the seasons that pass over your fields.
And you would watch with serenity
through the winters of your grief.
Much of your pain is self-chosen.
It is the bitter potion by which the
physician within you heals your sick self.
Therefore trust the physician, and drink
his remedy in silence and tranquillity.
This is only an excerpt. The longer version has a bit about God/Allah/Etc, but it doesn't comfort me half so much as this.
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