I think this is the longest Matt and I have gone without seeing each other. It'll be weeks now before we get the chance, but for both of us, they will be busy weeks. Matt has discovered that for his first year of school, he will be placed in Nottingham, which means not worries about moving location. it also means that instead of going to Glasgow, I get to spend my first year in England. It's good, because it'll make the wedding easier to plan, but sad, since I was enjoying the thought of living in Scotland. Oh well, I'll need to wait another year for that.
Excitement aside, it's been very tough on Matt and I. My rapidly changing life has only highlighted how alone I feel without him, and how terrifying it is to do things alone. I miss him, so much. I forget what he looks like, what he feels like.. But I keep telling myself, it's only a few weeks now, a few fun and awesome weeks with my friends and family...
That doesn't erase my growing panic, however. My room is finally and mostly packed, with the exception of my bed. The mattress is going to my land lady, but the sheets, comforter, and pillows are now. I have yet to find a box for it, but once it is packed, we are done... Well, done with my room. Then I need to clean the kitchen, wash the dishes, and more, and more. I'm a little annoyed that my land lady is being picky about the dirt in our house, because it was not clean when we moved in, and I have given her gift upon gift of thing I cannot bring with me. Hil and I, in our housemate rage, can only handle so much. I miss support. I want to be with my boyfriend.
On the plus side, I am officially a netbook nomad. This is my last night in a house before leaving the state and couch surfing, and my beloved desktop has been shipped to Connecticut, insured and waiting to be put together. Carlton, bless him, is a good boy, and I miss him and his 22" widescreen. Funny, his monitor weighs more than Hex, my netbook. To quote Carter, all real humans have access to more than one computer. I had three; Emperor Norton is going back to Connecticut, too, sick and in need of some care, a good reinstalling.
I think, when I go to Carter's, I shall crochet. I brought a blanket I have been working on for Matt's mom, and it is a MASSIVE creation, but I am hoping Jason marathons would be a good time to get it done.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Friday, July 24, 2009
Day 132: Feeling Blue
Well, it's blue. I was expecting this new dye to have more green to it, and you can kind of see the highlights, but no, it's truly blue. (The green was also readily apparent on my skin; I dyed almost all of my left arm.) It certainly matches my glasses. This is the most blue I have ever had, and it's a real teal color which came off my skin with surprising ease. All and all, not too shabby.It still hasn't really sunk in, that I have a week to pack up and leave. I've been sorting through my stuff slowly, and now have collected three bags of clothes and sundry to donate. I'm sure, as time passes, I will only have more. I really only live in this one room of my house, and it won't take me 7 days to pack, but even still.. I keep get moving. I need to be ready. I need to.. do something. Instead, I sleep, and sleep, and watch anime, and sleep. It feels so good, though I'm tortured by very unpleasant dreams, drowning with box jellyfish, accidentally killing baby seal-whales, realizing that this while time I was leading on my other English boyfriend, Chris, who wanted to propose to me after months of barely talking on a cruise, being attacked by zombies and ghosts while trying to solve murders, and being lost, in the rain, with people I couldn't trust clutching the bloodied clothes of someone I barely knew. And this was just last night.
Friday is my going away party, such as it is. I don't really care so much who is going and who is not, thought it makes me feel all slick and nervous and shakey inside to think of leaving Denver. I really do feel isolated and alone, and doing so much by myself.. I keep thinking, soon, soon I'll be with Carter, and my family, soon the latent and growing panic will seem like a dream, and so shortly after that, after probably eating too much, gaining more weight, and watching too many Jason movies too many times, I'll be in LA, I will be with Matt, we will be engaged, and I won't be alone, not for weeks and then.. and then.. And then I'll likely freak out about the visa, get it and spend a handful of slow, painful weeks with my family, and then we'll be together forever... Right?
I keep telling myself and other people things: how I feel, what I'm doing.. but I can't shake the fact that none of it is real. I want to sleep more. I want to wake up and have answers. I mean, it's not really an escape--sleeping on an issue does clear it up for me--but I can't help feel that my normal processes of sleep-figure-outing have been replaced by nasty little terrors, instead. Maybe I will sleep again tonight, and dream of something productive, and wake up with all the answers. God, God I hope so.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Day 131: A Year to the Day
Yesterday was my last day of work. I spent most of the day crying whenever anyone said bye, talking a lot, and finishing up payroll. It was kind of a blur, but it was good. My job went in between awesome and tech support hell, but for all my complaints, I loved my co-workers. It was bittersweet. Waiting in my job was killing me, and now.. and now.. Well, it still doesn't seem real.
I woke up this morning thinking about it, and felt a bit weepy and sad, with the realization that I forgot to enter my hours yesterday. It was a hard feeling to shake, but I feel pretty whole now, if also wholly exhausted. Working at Uncommon was.. well.. Uncommon, and a different experience to anything I had done completely. The past year has been amazing for me. Tech support has taught me more patience than any human deserves to learn, and I have grown more independent and happy with myself. I have been slowly losing weight, learning to cook better, eat better, shop better. I've grown in relation to my friends and parents. I've become more of a bitch. It's been.. a good year, if stressful, and with a Matt shaped hole in my life. July 21st, 2008 to July 21st 2009. I'll miss it.
In other news, I got all my information on my blood tests back from the doctor. My blood sugar dropped 10 points, to 91. I am no longer pre-diabetic!!1 My goal for the end of the year is still 180 pounds, and to see if I can get my levels even lower. I'm so happy, and I feel awesome.
My total cholesterol also dropped 27 points, my LDL dropped 13, though I did lose a bit of my HDL, too. It turns out my HDL was so high the first time, that despite my high total cholesterol, I still had half the average risk of heart disease. A good goal to work toward would be getting all the levels within acceptable ranges, and boosting my HDL. I'm not sure how to do that, but it's secondary to everything else. This year has taught me I CAN do it, and that's something that I need repeated, especially at the edge of such a dramatic change like this.
Also, my sister recently found out she has ovarian cysts, small but frequent, on both ovaries. She was diagnosed for PCOS, but we're both Italian hairy, and she works out for three our four hours a day, every day, so it seems unlikely she'd be insulin resistant. The treatment, of course, is taking birth control and managing your weight, with drugs to help you with your blood sugar if you are becoming diabetic. I never really thought I had PCOS, though considering I'm already doing the treatment for it for other reasons, I'm not worried. I was told by my doctor I should have children by the age of 30 if I do have it, since the changes of having children afterward are much slimmer for people with PCOS. Babies in less than seven years? I.. I think maybe you should ask me in 5 years how I feel about that.
In great news, though, Matt found this, the center for fucking GETTING A SOCIOLOGY DEGREE IN THE INTERNET. HOLY. DICKS. This is what I want, and Edinburgh is only an hour from Glasgow. Th idea of going here, researching the internet.. I don't even have words for happy it makes me. In England, the PhDs are shorter since they are all research. On the one hand, that is awesome, because it'll be lovely to have a huge chunk of my life not dedicated to endless schooling. On the other hand, I LOVE endless schooling, and talking in class is one of my favorite things to do and more effective ways to learn. I'll have to TA or take other classes on the side to satisfy that thinking, social requirement.
I still have to pack, have my goobye party, pack, call my family, pack, and figure out when Matt is getting here. I'm so terrified, and excited. Also, Matt and I have a temporary wedding page set up. As the day gets closer, it'll have information, pictures, wish lists, etc etc. Right now it's only a place holder, but cute. Check it out.
I woke up this morning thinking about it, and felt a bit weepy and sad, with the realization that I forgot to enter my hours yesterday. It was a hard feeling to shake, but I feel pretty whole now, if also wholly exhausted. Working at Uncommon was.. well.. Uncommon, and a different experience to anything I had done completely. The past year has been amazing for me. Tech support has taught me more patience than any human deserves to learn, and I have grown more independent and happy with myself. I have been slowly losing weight, learning to cook better, eat better, shop better. I've grown in relation to my friends and parents. I've become more of a bitch. It's been.. a good year, if stressful, and with a Matt shaped hole in my life. July 21st, 2008 to July 21st 2009. I'll miss it.
In other news, I got all my information on my blood tests back from the doctor. My blood sugar dropped 10 points, to 91. I am no longer pre-diabetic!!1 My goal for the end of the year is still 180 pounds, and to see if I can get my levels even lower. I'm so happy, and I feel awesome.
My total cholesterol also dropped 27 points, my LDL dropped 13, though I did lose a bit of my HDL, too. It turns out my HDL was so high the first time, that despite my high total cholesterol, I still had half the average risk of heart disease. A good goal to work toward would be getting all the levels within acceptable ranges, and boosting my HDL. I'm not sure how to do that, but it's secondary to everything else. This year has taught me I CAN do it, and that's something that I need repeated, especially at the edge of such a dramatic change like this.
Also, my sister recently found out she has ovarian cysts, small but frequent, on both ovaries. She was diagnosed for PCOS, but we're both Italian hairy, and she works out for three our four hours a day, every day, so it seems unlikely she'd be insulin resistant. The treatment, of course, is taking birth control and managing your weight, with drugs to help you with your blood sugar if you are becoming diabetic. I never really thought I had PCOS, though considering I'm already doing the treatment for it for other reasons, I'm not worried. I was told by my doctor I should have children by the age of 30 if I do have it, since the changes of having children afterward are much slimmer for people with PCOS. Babies in less than seven years? I.. I think maybe you should ask me in 5 years how I feel about that.
In great news, though, Matt found this, the center for fucking GETTING A SOCIOLOGY DEGREE IN THE INTERNET. HOLY. DICKS. This is what I want, and Edinburgh is only an hour from Glasgow. Th idea of going here, researching the internet.. I don't even have words for happy it makes me. In England, the PhDs are shorter since they are all research. On the one hand, that is awesome, because it'll be lovely to have a huge chunk of my life not dedicated to endless schooling. On the other hand, I LOVE endless schooling, and talking in class is one of my favorite things to do and more effective ways to learn. I'll have to TA or take other classes on the side to satisfy that thinking, social requirement.
I still have to pack, have my goobye party, pack, call my family, pack, and figure out when Matt is getting here. I'm so terrified, and excited. Also, Matt and I have a temporary wedding page set up. As the day gets closer, it'll have information, pictures, wish lists, etc etc. Right now it's only a place holder, but cute. Check it out.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Day 121: Perfect Weather
On nights like this, where it's cooling from a hot day, dropping 20 degrees Fahrenheit to a mellow cool, with the moon out, with the sky bright and blue, with stars everywhere, in the car, playing music a little too loud and shouting passionately in seat to seat.. Yeah, I get nostalgic for those old summers of high school. There's something nice about sleeping suburbia when you're awake, when it almost gets cold enough to warrant something over favorite old T-shirts, with nowhere to go.. it's perfect. There was a hint of it earlier today, on the way back from shopping with Hil. My hand was out the window and just barely lit with blue glow.. I don't know how many nights I walked around my neighborhood, threw rocks into Lake Winnemog, drove into the hills of Connecticut.
My truly favorite weather is threatening black clouds in late afternoon, windy with green grass and 80 degree weather. I have a distinct memory in Orvieto, Italy, years ago visiting family, and a sudden wind striking across the brick courtyard in front of their church, the ornate duomo, and the dark clouds, the sudden wind.. It was a perfect moment, alone in a beautiful town, and has stuck with me since. I felt like I could fly.
The mention the air in Denver, but they don't tell you that the could are close here. We're having the wettest year in decades, and the nightly thunderstorms are so close, the clouds huge and hanging like a dark ceiling. I'm going to miss that, when I'm gone. The close clouds, the constant thunder.. I'll miss the warm nights. Glasgow doesn't get warm, not really, but it's plenty wet. I'm curious, now, and nostalgic for summers I won't get a chance to have again... Not for a few years, anyway.
It doesn't matter, though. Matt and I can hear each other's thunder and rain, and I doubt I could miss the weather more than I could miss sharing it with him.
And there is your daily helping of cheese.
I bought a ticket to go to San Fransciso for July 31st. That's the day I leave Denver for good. Exciting, scary, and I have so, so much to do.
My truly favorite weather is threatening black clouds in late afternoon, windy with green grass and 80 degree weather. I have a distinct memory in Orvieto, Italy, years ago visiting family, and a sudden wind striking across the brick courtyard in front of their church, the ornate duomo, and the dark clouds, the sudden wind.. It was a perfect moment, alone in a beautiful town, and has stuck with me since. I felt like I could fly.
The mention the air in Denver, but they don't tell you that the could are close here. We're having the wettest year in decades, and the nightly thunderstorms are so close, the clouds huge and hanging like a dark ceiling. I'm going to miss that, when I'm gone. The close clouds, the constant thunder.. I'll miss the warm nights. Glasgow doesn't get warm, not really, but it's plenty wet. I'm curious, now, and nostalgic for summers I won't get a chance to have again... Not for a few years, anyway.
It doesn't matter, though. Matt and I can hear each other's thunder and rain, and I doubt I could miss the weather more than I could miss sharing it with him.
And there is your daily helping of cheese.
I bought a ticket to go to San Fransciso for July 31st. That's the day I leave Denver for good. Exciting, scary, and I have so, so much to do.
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Day 113: Pre-OCCUPATIONS
Matt has a job.
Matt has a job Matt has a job Matthasajob MatthasajobMatthasajobMatthasajobMatthasajobMatthasajob MATT HAS A JOB MATT HAS A JOB!! I was shaking for an hour, unable to talk, hands slamming the keyboard. He was offered it on the spot, he said, his choice of two seperate PhD projects. I was smiling ear to ear, shivering. If he hadn't gotten this, he had warned, he would have killed himself. I would have been lost. There aren't words to explain to relieved I am.
To those who don't know, there seems little reason to be so excited. Yeah, it's a bad climate, but he has a job. You'll get some money. No big deal, right? If Matt and I lived in the same place, I would agree with you. But in order for me to move to the UK, we need to have some qualifications met.
One, we need to have met each other. This we can prove, dozens of times over.
Two, we need to get married in 6 months. This will be rushed, but possible.
Three, we need to live together. Here is where it starts to get tricky..
Four, we need to support me without any public funds. No welfare, no NHS, nothing. For this..
Five, we need to live in a place where he, and only he and provide for me, in a place he owns.
This means Matt needs his own place, and a way to pay for it. Without a job, he can't get a place, can't prove he can take care of me. A job is the first and most important step for us to be together.
And Matt. Has a job. I'm beside myself with joy. Now, I can hear your questions. Wait wait, Trina, you quit your job before you ever even know if Matt would get one? Well, yes. Of course. I had faith he would get one, and a certain knowledge I would die if I stayed in mine with no promise of freedom. It was irresponsible, maybe, but necessary, and I don't think I could date someone I didn't trust that much.
So, what next? Matt's school starts in Nottingham, and in January he moves to Glasgow for 4 years. I am.. unwilling to wait till January to be with him, so now we need to start planning. In any case, I'm leaving Denver around the first, and then going to San Francisco. I'll work my way down to LA, where (hopefully) Matt will meet me, have a great week with my friends, rocking out hardcore, and then come home, where it's proposals and visas, ending with a real life interview in NYC, with any luck, and then.. The UK, where marriage and happiness await. It's all really, really happening. I'm so excited, scared, excited, and scared. And terrified. And happy.
Matt has a job Matt has a job Matthasajob MatthasajobMatthasajobMatthasajobMatthasajobMatthasajob MATT HAS A JOB MATT HAS A JOB!! I was shaking for an hour, unable to talk, hands slamming the keyboard. He was offered it on the spot, he said, his choice of two seperate PhD projects. I was smiling ear to ear, shivering. If he hadn't gotten this, he had warned, he would have killed himself. I would have been lost. There aren't words to explain to relieved I am.
To those who don't know, there seems little reason to be so excited. Yeah, it's a bad climate, but he has a job. You'll get some money. No big deal, right? If Matt and I lived in the same place, I would agree with you. But in order for me to move to the UK, we need to have some qualifications met.
One, we need to have met each other. This we can prove, dozens of times over.
Two, we need to get married in 6 months. This will be rushed, but possible.
Three, we need to live together. Here is where it starts to get tricky..
Four, we need to support me without any public funds. No welfare, no NHS, nothing. For this..
Five, we need to live in a place where he, and only he and provide for me, in a place he owns.
This means Matt needs his own place, and a way to pay for it. Without a job, he can't get a place, can't prove he can take care of me. A job is the first and most important step for us to be together.
And Matt. Has a job. I'm beside myself with joy. Now, I can hear your questions. Wait wait, Trina, you quit your job before you ever even know if Matt would get one? Well, yes. Of course. I had faith he would get one, and a certain knowledge I would die if I stayed in mine with no promise of freedom. It was irresponsible, maybe, but necessary, and I don't think I could date someone I didn't trust that much.
So, what next? Matt's school starts in Nottingham, and in January he moves to Glasgow for 4 years. I am.. unwilling to wait till January to be with him, so now we need to start planning. In any case, I'm leaving Denver around the first, and then going to San Francisco. I'll work my way down to LA, where (hopefully) Matt will meet me, have a great week with my friends, rocking out hardcore, and then come home, where it's proposals and visas, ending with a real life interview in NYC, with any luck, and then.. The UK, where marriage and happiness await. It's all really, really happening. I'm so excited, scared, excited, and scared. And terrified. And happy.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Day 110: Apprehensions
I have a problem. This problem is a compulsion, and it legitimately fills me with dread. Let me explain: I have a problem reading new bookies, watching new movies, starting new series, and just recently, listening to new music. I can never bring myself to start, and trying to makes me feel anxious and upset, hands shaking. A sense of dread comes over me. It's been getting worse.
I read Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas to Matt a few weeks ago. I had read it a few months before, where my comfort with the movie had made picking up the book an only slightly harrowing experience. In return, he is reading aloud Join Me, a tale of an Englishman who accidentally starts a cult. It sounded wonderful, funny, and.. and for the first five minutes, I couldn't stop whimpering. I was actually crying for fear of this new book. There was genuine dread in my chest. I don't understand it. Normally, any fears can be dispelled as soon as I watch or read with someone else. This was the first time it did not.
I love to read, and I love being read to. I love watching movies. I love new series. And yet.. and yet.. This fear grabs me, and I cannot. I am a nerd, but I am a very bad one. Ender's Game has been sitting on my shelf, a gift from over a year ago, and I can barely pick it up.
Sinful.
This has been coming out in other aspects of my life as well. I can read the same book over and over, a semi-autistic soothing, and I do need it sometimes. The feeling of comfort, of being with a friend... And now, with my plans with Matt in a state of exciting and actually really truly happening flux, I find myself needing everything repeated. Over and over. My distinctive (and my all counts, annoying) "Tell me a story" has turned into a Glasgowian "Tell me about the rabbits, again". It's incredibly comforting to hear the same happy stories over and over (just as it's comforting to know my boyfriend well enough to already hear his Of Mice and Men induced tears). I need it, though. I need it over and over.
It's weird. I'm all for new experiences, new food, trips to new places... It's something with media that I just can't get over.
I will point out a few notable exceptions. Horror movies do not fill me with apprehension, I can watch them constantly and alone. Comics do not make me nervous, and I find myself buying graphic novels with delight. Cartoons of any kind are accepted without qualms. Comedy shows I have heard of before, if not seen, are welcome. If I am traveling, I seem more open, maybe because I am going to be or have just finished being social. If someone is with me, the feelings (mostly) subside. And yet.. and yet..
I can't help feeling a bit fucked up.
On the plus side, I can't help but feel it's temporary, too. In this city with little to no support network, I do lots of things that fill me with fear, and am constantly challenging myself.. Mostly alone. I feel that when I am no longer alone, when I have friends and comfort, when I am with Matt.. I won't need to project my fear on nonsensical things to deal with the crippling worry of daily tasks. I can go back to worrying about real problems, like the zombie apocalypse.
Until then, baby steps. Starting a new blog, downloading new music, and being read to despite all my fears.
I read Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas to Matt a few weeks ago. I had read it a few months before, where my comfort with the movie had made picking up the book an only slightly harrowing experience. In return, he is reading aloud Join Me, a tale of an Englishman who accidentally starts a cult. It sounded wonderful, funny, and.. and for the first five minutes, I couldn't stop whimpering. I was actually crying for fear of this new book. There was genuine dread in my chest. I don't understand it. Normally, any fears can be dispelled as soon as I watch or read with someone else. This was the first time it did not.
I love to read, and I love being read to. I love watching movies. I love new series. And yet.. and yet.. This fear grabs me, and I cannot. I am a nerd, but I am a very bad one. Ender's Game has been sitting on my shelf, a gift from over a year ago, and I can barely pick it up.
Sinful.
This has been coming out in other aspects of my life as well. I can read the same book over and over, a semi-autistic soothing, and I do need it sometimes. The feeling of comfort, of being with a friend... And now, with my plans with Matt in a state of exciting and actually really truly happening flux, I find myself needing everything repeated. Over and over. My distinctive (and my all counts, annoying) "Tell me a story" has turned into a Glasgowian "Tell me about the rabbits, again". It's incredibly comforting to hear the same happy stories over and over (just as it's comforting to know my boyfriend well enough to already hear his Of Mice and Men induced tears). I need it, though. I need it over and over.
It's weird. I'm all for new experiences, new food, trips to new places... It's something with media that I just can't get over.
I will point out a few notable exceptions. Horror movies do not fill me with apprehension, I can watch them constantly and alone. Comics do not make me nervous, and I find myself buying graphic novels with delight. Cartoons of any kind are accepted without qualms. Comedy shows I have heard of before, if not seen, are welcome. If I am traveling, I seem more open, maybe because I am going to be or have just finished being social. If someone is with me, the feelings (mostly) subside. And yet.. and yet..
I can't help feeling a bit fucked up.
On the plus side, I can't help but feel it's temporary, too. In this city with little to no support network, I do lots of things that fill me with fear, and am constantly challenging myself.. Mostly alone. I feel that when I am no longer alone, when I have friends and comfort, when I am with Matt.. I won't need to project my fear on nonsensical things to deal with the crippling worry of daily tasks. I can go back to worrying about real problems, like the zombie apocalypse.
Until then, baby steps. Starting a new blog, downloading new music, and being read to despite all my fears.
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